All The Best Advice On How To Overcome Approach Anxiety
I asked the entire Game Global community, as well as dating coaches, for the best advice on approach anxiety.
With 63% of pickup artists on average actually doing cold approach each month, it’s important to discover the reasons for why some pickup artists are held back from approaching women. And the biggest reason is, of course, approach anxiety.
1. You Don’t Have Approach Anxiety, You Have Opportunity Hesitation
During the famous Ross Jeffries VS Mystery Debate, Ross Jeffries gave the best approach anxiety advice I had ever heard…
‘I don’t think there is approach anxiety, I think there is opportunity hesitation.’
‘The minute I get that idea into a student’s head, that it’s not approach anxiety, it’s opportunity hesitation, and they buy into that frame… Either because I’ve installed it hypnotically or cleverly woven it into a story… 50% of the problem goes away.’
‘The way you language things structures what you’re gonna be able to do. Because language structures consciousness, shapes decisions, drives behavior.’
You don’t have approach anxiety, you have opportunity hesitation.
It makes so much sense when I apply this to the times I hesitated to move an interaction forward in any way.
For example… Many years ago, there were two girls sitting in the seats directly in front of me while I was on a plane, going on vacation. I saw them trying to take a selfie, as they raised the camera above the seats, making me aware of their presence, then giggling. The two girls started talking to me for much of the rest of the flight, they actually recognized me from somewhere. One girl offered me some of her candy, and the other girl did the same. The mom of one of the girls was sitting next to them the entire time.
When we landed, everyone collected their suitcases from the baggage carousel. I saw them getting their suitcases, and I let them slip away, never to see them again. All because I hesitated. I could have very easily asked for their phone numbers or Facebook profiles, even with one of the moms there with them.
The mom wasn’t standing in the way. I was standing in the way of myself.
This was before I got into game or was even aware of it, so I was much younger. But this lesson stuck with me from that very night, so much so that I even started journaling in my notes about the experience. This was effectively my first ever field report, to myself, before I knew field reports existed… Or pickup artistry itself.
I then stared out into the horizon of the night, watching planes take off in the distance. Like a metaphor for how I let a great opportunity get away.
2. Know Your Opener
During the aforementioned debate, Erik Von Markovik (Mystery) said that ‘once you’ve opened the set and broken the ice, the approach anxiety sort of wanes’, highlighting that approach anxiety happens before the approach and not so much during the interaction after the approach.
Before the approach, you are ‘threatened by the future projection of a negative interaction’, fearing that the approach will have a bad outcome. But once you’re in conversation with the woman you have approached, the conversation has already been established and accepted.
Approach anxiety is therefore at its highest before you have even approached, and then the anxiety fades very quickly after you have opened.
Erik Von Markovik (Mystery) explained that you can break through approach anxiety by knowing your opener. Just knowing your opener prevents the hesitation that comes from not knowing what to say.
‘Just know what you’re going to say. It’s going to reduce your approach anxiety quite dramatically.’
‘It really seems to help push my students forward when they know what they’re gonna say. We have a default opener. We each choose one before we begin our night, just in case.’
Once you know your opener or set a default opener, you will already be prepared to use it to initiate conversations with the girls you want to talk to.
If interested in coaching with Erik Von Markovik (Mystery), see Mystery’s bootcamps. Use code ICE for an exclusive discount.
3. The 3 Second Rule
The 3 second rule is the idea that you should approach a woman within 3 seconds of seeing her.
In the most practical terms, all you have to do is count down in your head ‘3… 2… 1…’ and then just go for it.
The 3 second rule proves itself to be very effective for many men who try it, and it doesn’t just end with approaching women. It can be applied to various tasks, like cleaning your room, getting to work on a project or doing the laundry.
When you know you want to or need to do something, all it takes is you just getting started to do it, and momentum or focus can build from there. It’s the getting started that many have a problem with.
4. Approach Anxiety Comes From Seeking Validation
Dean Raymond, a Game Coach, believes that approach anxiety is ‘nothing to do with talking to women. It is your negative suppressed emotion which is attached to the fact that you are not happy in yourself, and then you project outwardly to feel better about yourself when a woman gives you a positive response or a mirror. So getting validation from women becomes a cover over and a cope for the fact that you don’t truly believe in yourself. Similar to alcohol or drugs or addiction to porn. It’s a distraction from the fact that you need to do deeper work.’
‘So the approach anxiety has nothing to do with a woman not liking you, and everything to do with the fact that if a woman shows you disapproval, it will be a reminder of how you hate yourself.’
Approach anxiety therefore comes from seeking validation from others. If you are happy and truly believe in yourself, you will not be worried about the approval or disapproval from others.
See Coaching Day for coaching with Dean Raymond and other Game Coaches.
5. Warm Up Practice
Consider your first 3 cold approaches in any given day as practice or warm up approaches.
If you treat them like they ‘don’t count’, then the reactions from those first 3 warm up approaches don’t matter…
It was just practice after all.
6. Just Be Social
In some cultures around the world you will notice that people are highly social. This is true for many Canadians. This is true for the people of Manchester, England. The Japanese aren’t particularly social, but even the Japanese aren’t afraid to approach a tourist in Japan and help them with the most tedious things thanks to their social responsibility and sense of social duty.
What if you could simply adopt the same mindset?
All you have to do is just be social everywhere you go.
Perhaps the most Canadian example I can think of is when I was waiting for my A&W order in the Mic Mac Mall in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. When the employee called out ‘Jennifer’, an elderly man in the waiting crowd confidently made himself known by saying ‘I’m not Jennifer, are you Jennifer?’, as he strategically turned to me.
What a prankster.
To give another example… In a Walmart, a man was sitting on a bench by the clothing section, expressing how glad he was that Walmart installed benches for husbands to sit on while their wives spend the whole fucking day looking at clothes.
A perfect display of husband humor.
And when, on Canada Day, a line formed to use the portable toilets on the Halifax Waterfront. And to save time, a man entered one with his wife and yelled out… ‘We’ll just be 3 minutes’. He later emerged, announcing ‘I only needed 2!’, receiving a standing ovation from the people waiting in line for a piss.
Masterful move, sir.
It’s the little moments like these that people don’t forget.
Here are some examples of how you can just be social…
- At a bar or nightclub, talk to the bartender or bouncer.
- At an airport, talk to a random traveler.
- In a park, talk to a dog owner.
- At a grocery store, talk to the cashier.
- Talk to the Uber driver.
- In a restaurant, ask the waitress which milkshake is her favorite.
- Tell a guy his Slipknot shirt is awesome.
7. The Pain Of Losing
A member of Game Stockholm said that the best advice on approach anxiety he had learned was that the pain of losing the girl is larger than the pain of breaking out of your comfort zone.
The pain of letting opportunities evade you is greater than the pain of pursuing the opportunities you desire.
This is similar to the aforementioned idea on opportunity hesitation.
8. Have A Wingman Who Pushes You Through Approach Anxiety
Going out with a wingman and letting him push you is a great way of doing cold approach if you’re new to game.
Just by being with a wingman, you can be encouraged to push through the approach anxiety and the self-inflicted pressures of talking to a woman. Having a wingman can also inspire you to realize that cold approach is not a bad thing, while enabling you to learn from more experienced wingmen who have been gaming for longer.
9. Desensitize Yourself To Approach Anxiety With Small Steps
A member of Game Budapest suggested to take small steps into doing cold approach, and that this will help desensitize you to approach anxiety.
‘Approaching has a progression which makes you desensitized to the anxiety, this is how I have done it:
- First, just smile and make eye contact with people around you. Nothing more.
- After you are comfortable with making eye contact, you can start saying ‘hi’ to people you meet on the street or around you.
- Compliment. Say something you like in another person. Or just say any generic statement. If man to woman, say ‘I like your dress’ or ‘I like your shoes’. And leave, nothing more.
- Start making small talk with strangers, ‘how are you?’. You can ask for the time or for directions.
- Now you should be able to talk to strangers consistently, and meeting a woman on the street will be much easier. Start running some flirting.’
10. Imagine You Are Already There
A Game Warsaw member wrote that his strategy works almost all the time, and simply involves visualizing that you are already interacting with her.
- Mentally visualize that you are flying into the conversation.
- Imagine your body floating towards her.
- Physically move your body towards her direction.
- When she has noticed you’re moving towards her, you have no choice but to start a conversation with her.
11. Imagine The Worst Case Scenario
A member of Game Toronto revealed that his way of conquering approach anxiety is to imagine the worst case scenario in a ridiculous way.
This reminds me of the scene from Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban, when Professor Lupin taught the wizard students the Riddikulus spell to turn the Boggart (Shapeshifting thing that takes the form of a person’s fears) into something funny. Neville Longbottom’s Boggart was Severus Snape, which he then turned into Snape wearing his grandmother’s clothes. And Ronald Weasley’s Boggart was a giant spider, which he then turned into a spider on roller skates.
If you take your fear and turn it into something funny or ridiculous, the fear is no longer so scary.
- Imagine the worst case scenario.
- Blow it out of proportion and exaggerate it.
For example…
Imagine approaching a woman, and then people start acting as white knights and beating you up. She starts to laugh at you in public, and other people also start laughing at you. Then your grandmother pops out of the bushes and starts laughing. Then the Woke Police comes; the gender neutrals in blue, with their blue hair, made up pronouns and virtue signaling enforcement badges. They arrest you on suspicion of doing a non-vegan cold approach and lock you away in a Guantánamo Bay detention center. Detective Karen, wearing ‘Manager Energy’ shoulder pads, tortures you with Greta Thunberg speeches on a YouTube playlist, while attaching electrical nipple clamps to your chest. At midday, you have to sing the anthem of Starbucks while sticking 3 fingers up your ass, with the other hand on your chest. You are then processed in a chemical castration facility to turn you into a gay frog.
You can then realize how ridiculously unrealistic your worst case scenario is, and just go ahead and socialize with a woman.
12. You’re The One Giving Yourself A No By Having Approach Anxiety
‘If you don’t approach, you’re the one giving yourself a no. Let it be her.’
This was written by a member of Game Valencia.
It’s better for her to reject you than for you to reject yourself by not even approaching her in the first place. So let her be the one to reject you.
And this is assuming that the woman you approach will actually reject you. At least by taking action you give yourself a chance, whereas not taking action will never give you anything.
13. You’re Gonna Die
Someone in Game London learned from his experienced wingman the importance of being present, when he started out doing cold approach.
The more experienced wingman asked the inexperienced wingman who had never done cold approach before…
‘How do you know you’re gonna wake up tomorrow morning?’
This advice worked, which led to him doing some approaches despite being super new to game.
14. She Has The Right Not To Like You
One Game Warsaw member mentioned the importance of realizing that some women just don’t have to like you…
‘As you don’t like every girl you see, they have a right to not like you too. It is natural.’
Some people don’t like pineapple on pizza. Some people don’t even like cheese. As much as people fight on Facebook over Hawaiian pizza (Which is actually Canadian), or Android VS iPhone, or PlayStation VS XBOX… Some people simply won’t like you right away, and they don’t even have to.
They are just humans giving human responses.
15. Freedom From Outcome
Approach anxiety and fear of rejection are closely linked, and the fear of rejection is the fear of a negative outcome. However, if you learn to have freedom from outcome, you will be open to all possibilities, regardless of their positive or negative nature.
Go with the flow and be open to whatever comes, and you will have freedom from outcome.
16. Forge The Skill To Approach Any Girl In Any Location
In Game Bucharest, a member shared how taking immersive coaching worked best for him…
‘I told the instructor about all my blockers, which were, in fact, my limiting beliefs. The instructor helped me let go of my limiting beliefs by giving counterarguments from his own experience. He approached girls in various locations; on the streets, on public transport, in coffee shops, in malls, and even in a big business event, and showed me that girls react positively and are even grateful when you approach them with a positive vibe.’
‘It was only after these discussions, and after watching countless examples of my instructor approaching successfully and getting positive reactions, that I started to believe that I can approach any girl in any location. I realized that this is possible and this is doable.’
‘Then I started to take massive action, doing 20-70 approaches per day. In around 3 months, I forged the skill to open a conversation with any girl, in any location.’
‘After doing thousands of approaches, I can confirm that girls like, appreciate and are grateful for when I approach them with a positive vibe. Countless girls thanked me for approaching them and making their day better, and that is one hell of a motivator.’
‘In addition to this, my opinion is that ‘conquering approach anxiety’ is the wrong approach… The correct approach is to set the goal to ‘forge the skill to approach any girl in any location‘. This is because when we focus on overcoming approach anxiety, our focus is the approach anxiety itself. If you focus on not hitting an obstacle, you will hit that obstacle. If you try to not think about elephants, you will think about elephants. This is how our brain works, and this is a neuroscientific fact. But if we focus on forging the approaching skill, our brain will focus on approaching and on action.’
‘In my 5 year experience, I tried both mindsets, and I confirm that the approaching-focused mindset is the only mindset that works and gives results.’
Approach Anxiety Coaching
If you seek coaching to get over approach anxiety, we recommend looking into the following immersive infield bootcamps…
- Erik Von Markovik (Mystery) – Use code ICE for an exclusive discount
- JT Tran (ABCs Of Attraction) – Use code ICEWHITE for an exclusive discount
- Mike Ke (Mike PickupAlpha)
- Shaun Michael (3 Second Rule)
- Owen Cook (Self Mastery Co)
- Alex James (Alex Social)
You may also be able to find more affordable coaching options in your city through Coaching Day.
Game Global Masterclass
Game Global Masterclass is the ultimate map for game, encompassing day game, night game, message game and social circle game into classes every week with Ice White and Joe Elvin.
Game Global Masterclass is a super affordable option for guys who want to reach the next level of their game, encompassing all forms of outer game.
Getting Over Approach Anxiety With A Wingman
Game Global created 310 local groups in 85 countries around the world for you to meet wingmen and game with, as the most immersive and biggest network of wingmen in the entire world.
Jump into the action by joining your local Game City.
Game Global Wingman Map
Game Global’s Skool group allows you to see the individual locations of every member, making it easy for you to also find capable wingmen through the Skool group.
There are two versions:
